A Lesson in Rock

You guys are in for a treat today. Above is PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE that Rock once existed, and in it's highest form. Why is it so hard for people living today to understand? Besides obvious coolness, there are three small, but important, lessons to be gleaned from the above photos. Please close your web browser and meditate on them after reading.

1) Sling Your Axe Low

- Look at how low Dee Dee's got his bass! It looks like a Wild Stallion trying to charge away while he pounds thunderous BASS NOTES out of it with the help of his huge Ampeg. You can bet he's not playing bass "chords" that low, no, he's thumping out G-A-C and meanwhile vibrating clitorises all the way in the back of the room. Johnny's no slouch, either; he's got his Mosrite hung at a respectable level, WAY below where these rookies are slinging from today. [Remember when it was cool for awhile - in the early 2000s - to play guitars at nipple level? While playing technical Emo-metal? Thankfully those days are behind us]

2) FULL STACKS

- I'm not gonna have that argument with the guy that's like "man, I got this little combo, y'know, and it sounds really good mic'ed, it's all I need." It may be all you need, Pee-Wee, when you're playing to foster children at La Petite Academy, but it doesn't sound good. Don't let a soundman come near your shit with an SM57, ever. They're gonna run that puny signal through an Aphex 'Aural Exciter' and it's going to excite no one, and you're gonna be up there 'rockin' and everyone's wondering what they're drinking next cuz they're so bored. Let the amps do the work. Just look at Johnny in photo 4 - TWO AMPS! Two full-size cabinets. (Make sure they say 'Marshall' or 'Orange', etc. on them. Not 'Replica' ) You know what size club they're playing in? Not big. When he plays that power chord in G you're gonna feel it as well as hear it.

3) Lead Singer With A Personality

- Not many bands do the free-mic'in lead singer these days, presumably because they want to save money and shit and have people work double duty, which I can understand, but you need to realize what you may be missing out on. Just check Joey out up there. He's got it. First of all, he could play in the NBA if he had muscles; dude's really tall. Second, he's got a killer leather J on, one that you can't buy at Old Navy (you might be able to nowadays). And third, he's got the voice, the jeans, the vibe, the stance, and writes good lyrics. Bingo. And he's doing a cool salute to get you kids to ignore your curfew and party and find out who you could be if you were actually awesome like him.

That about sums it up; the School of Rock is fun, eh kids? Now, to those of you who would say "But Truth, my town sucks, the only shows I go see are wimpy 'folk' bands [ever notice how folk is the new emo?] and political hip-hop; how can I ever truly Rock?" I would say to you, 'The above photos were taken at The Pier in Raleigh' (a part of the now-vanished Cameron Village Underground, I think). You can do it. Just imagine how the song below sounded in that tiny space in that shitty town, before you even knew what to expect b/c of Myspace or stupid blogs like this one. Bliss. Now, go forth to your gig at the chain Irish Pub and tear the motherf***ing roof off.

The Ramones - Oh Oh I Love Her So